As I mentioned before, I had lost the sense of feeling for so much. There were things I previously enjoyed with great passion: My Art work, my horses, my grand children, nature etc.

Art is something I have participated in at different levels all of my life.  I had thousands of images in my head that I wanted to draw in the future.  After the accident the 1000’s of images in my head that I was to paint, draw, create were now gone! Had they been knocked out of my head with all consciousness too?

My horses, even though at first I physically couldn’t ride, I knew I wanted to. I just didn’t feel any great desire, even to be with my horses. Before we had shared so much. I had daily and seasonal goals to complete with each horse.

The hardest was with my wife and family. I loved my wife, I loved my grand children. I loved my kids. I knew this! I just couldn’t feel any of it. I felt nothing….

I knew this would be essential for my existence! I needed to feel. I needed to touch something with my heart! I needed to feel it touch me back.

One day, I was with a friend trying to explain this to her, I saw something, a reaction , kind of a sign that I was important, that I mattered. She was genuinely struct by what I was saying. I could honestly say this was the first intense feeling I had since returning home.  I was asked what I thought my future would be like. I knew it had to be different from that day. I had to make a choice. I decided that I could only continue to exist if things changed…If I changed…If I felt… This had to be my choice, my direction. I couldn’t just wait for these feelings to return, maybe they would maybe they wouldn’t. So, I decided I would find them…but  where? How?

I would began telling myself how much I loved my wife (and of course her! :)), I would find things to passionately do and ways to be with her. I watched her treat my grandchildren with such a tremendous love and I tried to feel this as well. I would watch another friend as she helped me with my animals, she would hug, kiss them… I did the same. I continued this with such earnest from the inside. I did this weekly, daily, hourly and every waking moment. I could at this point make no other choice for me!

Oh my gosh!  This seemed to be working, I was gaining, sorry FEELING, that love again for my wife, for my Children and Grand Children.  I wanted to ride again! I wanted to draw. I finished a piece of art that I had been working on for over 2 years. I saw a small child and Finally Felt Inside “I have to paint her”. This Feeling to me is REAL, and Greater than the painting will ever be! I can make this my reality! I can make this my Life!

Like the Grinch “My heart Grew 10 times that day!” and honestly continues to do so!!

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